Sometimes I feel like I’m just grasping at anything and everything to take back control over my body. It’s sad that for most of my life I never really felt like I had control over my own body. Sad but honest.
It’s as though whether I lose weight, gain weight, break out in a rash, have an allergic reaction to dog hair or use an inhaler to get my wheezing under control I’ve always been at the mercy of whatever my body decides. I remember seeing my body drastically change by random (or so it seemed) a few times in my life. My freshman year in high school I thinned out substantially thinking it was due to my new saturday morning running routine and low [er] calorie diet. Later in college I switched to my 4th or 5th birth control pill and began losing weight and gaining horrifying migraines that left me lying in bed begging for some relief through sleep. Finally, about 10 months ago I ended up deteriorating so badly with Ulcerative Colitis that I ended up in the hospital for a week 30 pounds down. Has my body been sick for most of my life? Weird to think so but I look back and it all seems to make sense. Every time my body was at a breaking point I dramatically lost weight.
The irony of my situation was being the overweight kid I was I always wanted to just lose weight. I’d been the slightly overweight, chunky sister growing up and although I was always active I could never seem to stop gaining weight much less actually lose weight. Looking back I see that every time my body was having a ‘bad reaction’ I lost weight so naturally I shook it off and was just happy to be down a few pounds. When I’m seemingly ‘healthy’ and not having random health issues is unfortunately when I’m unhappy with myself and at a loss. I don’t mistreat my body so why can’t I just work out, eat right and lose weight like a normal person?! To go along with that I couldn’t really appreciate my random bouts of thinness because after all I didn’t do anything to deserve them. Writing this down is really revealing just how fucked up my self confidence has been for a lot of my life. UGH.
Anyway on a lighter note, I am so happy to be figuring this out now rather than accepting my situation and growing more and more frustrated. I am currently on my 3rd day of the GAPS introductory diet after committing entirely to the Specific Carbohydrate Diet for the past 10 months. I plan to stay within the umbrella of SCD (my doctor said the most healed colons he’s had the pleasure of looking at have been from SCD ‘ers – that was all I needed to hear to make the commitment). So here is to the beginning of GAPS under the SCD!
I can see a glimmer of control on the horizon and I cannot wait to get there…