Humbled

Blood. Fuck. Nearly 2 years out of the hospital, 8 months into clinical remission and I know I have pushed my luck too far.

About a month ago I got back from an amazing surfing trip in El Salvador. Ever since I’ve been back, for some reason, I’ve fallen off the tracks a bit. I seize more opportunities to consume something I know I shouldn’t. Instead of being strong willed and committed to my diet and health, I convince myself I’m splurging. And I’ve noticed things not being right. I’ve been really bloated, had some bad abdominal pain and rough bowel movements lately. And now I wake up to a good amount of blood. My body has been telling me I’ve fallen off. I need to stop being so damn stubborn and listen.

To be honest I think I needed to test myself. I needed to get myself into remission and then test the waters, how sick am I really? Is my diagnosis really that severe? Yeah, yeah it is. I should stop trying to be invincible and realize I’m far from it. Because seeing blood in my stool brought me to my knees. It humbled me. It made me really scared. I am really scared.

I need my strong will back. I don’t know why it seems to have diminished a bit lately but I need it back. I have too many future plans to let my body hold me back. I am capable of keeping myself in remission, I’ve done it before. Let’s do it again.